One Piece: House MD
by DirectionallyChallengedKenshi
Summary: When Zoro falls ill with strange symptoms, he's brought to the man that's renowned for his amazing medical skills - doctor Gregory House. The only problem? Zoro eventually becomes fed to up of being in hospital. So he does anything he can to escape. At any cost - with any casualties. One Piece and House M.D. Crossover. I don't own either of those awesome TV shows, sadly. One-shot.


OP: HMD

One Piece: House M.D.

Summary: When Zoro falls ill with unexplained symptoms, he's brought to the man that's renowned for his amazing medical skills - doctor Gregory House. The only problem? Zoro eventually becomes fed to up of being in hospital. So he does anything he can to escape. At any cost - with any casualties. One Piece and House M.D. Crossover. I don't own either of those awesome TV shows, sadly. ... And Chase gets bubble gum in his coffee and hair. One-shot.

Format: Crossover? One-shot. The ship is called the Going Merry, not the Merry Go (anime not books). House has his flame cane, Zoro has Kitetsu III, Chase and Cameron are married.

Rating: T for possible ideologically sensitive symptoms and other strange symptoms.

Disclaimer: I don't own House M.D. - if I did I'd be a celebrity, I'd be friends with Robert Sean-Leonard, Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein, and I'd be very, very rich. I'm none of them. So... I spend my life writing whump, angst and depressing fanfics. So THERE, world. No flames please. Keep your hands inside the car at all times, you're in for a bumpy ride.

Wondering why the hell she just said that stupid phrase, and realizing that it sounded WAY better in her head,

Svetlana Kovyc x

House M.D.

At Princeton Plainsboro...

"Nineteen-year old patient, collapsed with severe dizziness and nausea after exiting a ship," Cameron spoke as her boss entered the office, chewing bubblegum.

"Boring," the man scowled at her.

"He's got green hair," Chase told him.

"Interesting..." Glancing at the blue file on the table, the man wrote the symptoms on a whiteboard. "What causes nausea, dizziness and fatigue?" Doctor Gregory House glared at the three staff members. Robert Chase, an Australian surgeon, chewed his lip in thought. Allison Cameron, a sympathetic doctor, read the words written on the whiteboard several times. Eric Foreman, another doctor, glanced at House, then back down at the clipboard he held.

"Could be TIA." Chase eventually concluded. "Transient ischemic attack-"

"Doesn't explain the syncope." House replied. "Cameron - your turn!"

"Well," Cameron began. "It could be acoustic neuroma."

"Nothing on the scans, head area was clear for bruising and lesions." Chase shook his head. "Maybe it's a heart arrhythmia?"

"Heart rate was regular. But there's still a small chance that it might be ventricular fibrillation heart arrhythmia," Foreman guessed. House sighed loudly, blowing a pink gum bubble. He leaned towards Cameron as it popped, making her blink.

"Let's just say there's nothing wrong with his heart. Hearts are boring." House moved the gum around in his mouth.

"We can't just say there's nothing wrong with his heart because it's boring!" Cameron disagreed. "It could be serious!" House shrugged, sipping Chase's coffee. Chase looked indignant, but said nothing. House then put his gum into the coffee and put the mug beside Chase, who recoiled and pushed the mug away.

"Hearts are boring." House repeated stubbornly. "BORING."

"You can't just throw a person's life away because it's boring!" Cameron was annoyed.

"Yes I can," House retorted smugly. "I'm your boss. Stick with it." Cameron glared at him but said nothing.

"Could be orthostatic hypotension," Chase guessed.

"It fits. Then orthostatic hypotension it is. Start the patient on fludrocortisone." House nodded. "Get on with it!" he yelled when nobody moved.

"I'm gonna get better after this?" Roronoa Zoro asked as Cameron walked into his room. "I just take those two pills and I can go?" Zoro swallowed the pills.

"Yes. After several more tests, you can go." Cameron smiled. "To the sea."

"I live at sea, you know," Zoro murmured. Cameron turned and grinned sympathetically at him.

"I guess being on land is awkward for you, right?"

"Yeah. Really strange. I feel so weird." Zoro nodded. His eyes were unfocused and blurred. Cameron stopped smiling.

"What do you mean by weird?"

"Really dizzy, and..." Zoro slumped into the bed. The machine started to beep frantically. Cameron stared in shock.

She ran to a cupboard and pulled out a defibrillator. "Charging..." Cameron muttered to herself as she rubbed the paddles together. "Clear!" Placing the paddles on Zoro's chest, he jolted. The machine continued bleeping. "Charging..." Cameron placed the paddles on Zoro's chest again. "Clea-" Cameron stopped as Zoro opened his eyes. Zoro lifted his head.

"Ow." Zoro grabbed the defibrillator of of Cameron and scowled at her. "Trying to give me an electric shock?" Zoro reached for his swords, and realized that they weren't there. "Damn..."

"I need restraints in here!" Cameron called. More doctors rushed in, holding Velcro straps. They tied Zoro's limbs to the bed and he struggled, before lying still again. He stared at the ceiling as the doctors filed out.

"Are you alright?" Cameron asked cautiously after a while. When Zoro didn't answer, she asked again. "I said, are you-" Zoro's eyes rolled up into his head and he went limp. Cameron shook him, and got no response. "I need nurses in here!"

"So. New symptom." House popped the cap off a marker pen. He wrote on the whiteboard, blowing a bubble of pink gum as he did. "Blurred vision. Interesting." Cameron adopted an apoplectic expression.

"He crashed twice! Is anything REMOTELY interesting about that?!"

"Yes. He crashed!" House smiled like he'd just won an argument. "So what is it?"

"Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo." Foreman looked at House. "It explains all the symptoms." House thought about it.

"Schedule the patient for a canalith repositioning procedure at two-thirty." House ordered as he put his gum in Chase's hair.

"Why do I need to get this camel-ith-" Zoro began.

"It's canalith." Chase corrected him.

"Whatever. Will it fix me?"

"Probably." Cameron assured.

"What do you mean, 'probably'?" Zoro wasn't convinced. "I don't need to have a pointless surgery. It's annoying."

"I know. People think it is, but it usually works." Foreman attached an IV.

"That's certainly reassuring," Zoro scoffed. "It 'usually' works." Zoro lay back and coughed several times.

"Why's he coughing?" Chase leaned towards Zoro. "Are you-" Zoro leaned over and threw up several times.

"Stop the surgery!" Cameron yelled, helping Zoro sit upright and handing him a basin. "Do you feel sick?"

"I feel a little... Dizzy..." Zoro's head spun and he collapsed. "Ugh..."

"Defibrillators!" Chase ran to a closet and pulled out the paddles. "Charging..."

"Wait!" Cameron administered CPR. "This might work!"

"But you can't do CPR on someone who's crashed! It won't work, Cameron," Chase frowned. "Clear!" Cameron pulled her hands away quickly and the shock ran through Zoro's body. He gasped and choked, but was alive.

"So. It wasn't benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. What explains all the crashing?" House twirled his cane and mimed playing a guitar. "Come on!" He turned. The janitor blinked.

"Me?"

"No. Go away," House barked.

"Sorry," The Janitor stood to the side as Chase, Cameron and Foreman filed in. Then he left.

"Patient crashed-" Foreman started.

"I know," House interrupted. "So what is it?"

"I don't know. But the patient was asking if he could train earlier. With weights," Chase added. House shrugged.

"Give him some then," House suggested. Cameron put weights on a trolley with extreme difficulty. She wheeled them to Zoro's room.

"I have to train with these?" Zoro held up the huge weights. "They're tiny!"

"The weight on either side weigh one-hundred kilograms each!" Cameron was astonished. "They're nearly twice my weight! I had to get three doctors to help me pick even one of them up!"

"They're tiny," Zoro repeated. "Can I have something that weighs three-hundred kilograms?" Cameron went to comply. When she handed the weight to Zoro, she expected him to fail at picking it up. But the green-haired man pushed the weights to one end of the steel bar and waved it around with one hand.

"Another please," Zoro asked. Cameron walked to the door and noticed that he was breathing heavily.

"Are you okay?" Cameron went over to him.

"Yeah..." Zoro waved her away. As Cameron walked away she had an epiphany. Carbon monoxide poisoning!

"House. He has carbon monoxide poisoning. Explains the shallow breathing, dizziness, passing out!" Cameron explained.

"But why do no others around him have it?" Chase asked.

"When he trains, he breathes quicker and deeper than everyone else! Maybe even three times as fast if everyone else is relaxed - so his poisoning will be worse!" Cameron stopped, excited and flushed at her correct diagnosis. "We just need to give him one-hundred percent oxygen, and he'll be fine."

"Give him oxygen then," House brushed her off, slightly annoyed that Cameron was right before him.

"I saved a patient's life! Aren't you going to be, well..." Cameron stalled.

"Be what?" House snapped.

"You," Cameron smiled triumphantly. "Are jealous."

"No I'm not," House glared at her. "Prove it, if you're so sure."

"You're jealous that I had the epiphany before you," Cameron grinned. "You always are." Then her and House's pagers bleeped wildly.

"Patient's crashing after being put in oxygen." House spoke after reading the message sent by nurses.

"That means I was wrong," Cameron was wide-eyed. "He hasn't got carbon monoxide poisoning."

"GET AWAY!" Zoro roared, kicking and punching nurses. Chase rushed in with a sedation syringe and plunged it into Zoro's shoulder. Before he could insert the liquid, however, Zoro ripped it out and stuck it in Chase's arm. Zoro pushed the plunger down and Chase collapsed. Zoro spun round and crashed through the window. Glass rained on Chase's head and he squeezed his eyes shut. Glass tinkled around him and sliced his arms. His shoulders dripped blood down his arms as he stood. Nurses were lying in the room, each unconscious and cut by the glass. The patient was nowhere to be seen. Looking up, Chase saw that the patients clothes had been taken, and the wooden closet that his swords had been stored in was smashed to splinters. Cameron was draped across it, groaning in pain from a jagged piece of wood scraping her side.

"What the... What just happened?" Cameron moaned as she shakily stood. Chase shrugged painfully.

"That was rather extraordinary," House was stood at the door. "Now we need to find our patient before he dies. He's got rabies. The dumb type.*"

On the Going Merry...

"Zoro? You're all better!" Luffy smiled as Zoro boarded the ship. He looked really frightened, for some reason. "Zoro? What's up, crap-swordsman?"

"The... The water..." Zoro mumbled. Sanji smirked.

"Scared of water? Ha! Let's see what happens NOW!" Sanji reached out and pushed Zoro in. The swordsman flailed and began choking. After a couple of seconds he'd already submerged under the foaming liquid. Sanji stared in surprise. Zoro usually swam perfectly fine, easily hauling two people before he started to struggle. Sanji dove in and pulled him out.

"Don't do that again!" Zoro spluttered.

"Since when were you unable to swim? Did you eat a devil fruit?" Sanji dragged Zoro on deck. Zoro immediately ran off into the middle of the deck. When a wave could be heard lapping against the side of the ship he would freeze until it stopped. Of course waves were always heard so he was constantly freezing up.

"Hey!" A woman, Allison Cameron, boarded the ship. It was a blonde man accompanying her that had spoken.

"You have our patient," the man, Robert Chase, said. Sanji's eyes lit up and he smiled at Cameron.

"Hello, dear beautiful maiden of light and honor!" Sanji sidled up to Cameron and kissed her hand. Chase stepped forwards.

"Stop that." Sanji glanced up.

"What?" Sanji growled.

"She's my wife!" Chase frowned. Sanji shrugged and took a drag from his cigarette. "You have our patient," Chase continued. "And we'd like him back."

"He has rabies," Cameron explained to a confused Sanji. "For post-exposure prophylaxis, Zoro will need to clean the bite wound, get a dose of rabies immunoglobulin and then get a rabies vaccine."

"What bite wound?" Sanji asked.

"You mean... He hasn't been bitten?" Cameron was stunned.

"Nope. As far as any of us know," Sanji answered.

"Then how...?" Chase began.

"I know," Chopper spoke up. "I was testing the combination of several diseases. One of which was rabies. Zoro must have been contaminated somehow." Cameron nodded.

"Let's get this over with."

Several weeks later...

"You can go. You've been discharged; you're all better," Cameron told Zoro.

"Hm," Zoro murmured in reply. As he walked towards the sliding doors of the hospital reception, a man with grey hair, a flame-patterned cane and a large limp intercepted him.

"Hi. Greg House," the man introduced himself. "And you are?"

"Leaving." Zoro pushed past him. House turned to look at him.

"Really? That's your name? Not something like 'Roronoa Zoro, famous East Blue bounty hunter'?" House remarked sarcastically.

"Actually it is," Zoro responded. He held up Wado Ichimonji and Kitetsu III. "I'm now a Straw Hat pirate now though. Anything else?" Zoro added, annoyed.

"No. Go then," House nodded at the door. As Zoro walked past, he stuck his cane out, trying to trip the green-haired teen. His plan backfired, however, as Zoro looped his foot round the cane and twisted it. Zoro kept walking calmly as if nothing had happened; the only trace was House lying spread-eagled on the floor.

"And how exactly did you end up there?" Chase queried incredulously.

"Kid tripped me," House replied quietly.

"Ha. I guess you hate him for that," Chase shrugged as he walked away.

"Nah," House shook his head.

"Nah?" Chase turned.

"I like this kid." House stood and smiled at Chase, who stared back.

"You like him? You LIKE someone?" Chase adopted a disbelieving expression.

"Yep," House said, and as he walked past Chase, he pulled a wad of gum out of his mouth and pressed it into Chase's hair.

*Dumb rabies is a type of rabies that is 1 out of 5 rabies cases. It's like furious rabies but quicker at advancing. It usually doesn't have hydrophobic patients, but occasionally it does.

Liked it? Hated it? Not sure? Please review, reviews make me happy and inspire me to write more like this.

Thank you!

Svetlana Kovyc x


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